Our combatants pat each other's shoulders and they ... they laugh. Aww, they look like two drunk schoolchildren! \n\nMakes me sick to my stomach. That's it. I've had enough of this travesty. \n\nActivate the explosives! Yes, I know they're for emergencies! What do you think this is?! Press the bloody button, moron! \n\nThe countdown has started. Our live audience would do well not to look directly into the explosion. New eyeballs are expensive. \n\n3 ... 2 ... 1 ... \n\nNyehehe, I love the way the ground shakes. Gives the whole thing a certain impact. Right, let's have a look at the ring. \n\nAs expected, the explosion left quite the crater. Don't worry, we can fix that. Hmm, no sign of our combatants. Oh well. Their managers probably have spares. \n\nWe apologize for the bizarre fight and the abrupt end. It shall not happen again. Please tune in next week when we're deciding the new champion in a battle royale! \n\n\n\nAdios.
This stance can only mean, yes, a roundhouse kick! The fastest kick in Jack's repertoire, but will it be fast enough? \n\nStill on the ground, Titan raises his own leg to defend. What is he trying to do? Will he block? Will he attack? \n\nWith speed that is entirely uncharacteristic for this mass of muscles and bones, Titan's kick connects with Jack's knee, making it snap like a twig. Using his opponent's attack against him -- classic!\n\nOh! Breaking Jack's knee just catapults his foot in Titan's face! Is this the famous cross-counter? \n\nNeither challenger nor champion are moving. Is this fight over already?! Booo! Draws are stupid! \n\nOh, it looks as if I've spoken too soon. Titan is still out of it, but Jack is moving. Looks like he's trying to stand up and -- ow! Yeah, his leg is still broken. \n\nHe's getting up again. He's learned from his mistakes and is balancing his monstrous body on his stable leg. I don't know why he bothers. It's not like he has to be standing to win. \n\n\nAnyway, it's official! Our winner, our new champion is Lumberiiiiiing Jaaaaaaaack! Bask in your glory, you've earned it. \n\nHaaah, don't you love it when a champion gets thrown out like trash? Goodbye, Titan. Get yourself patched up and try again! \n\nLet's see what our winner gets... \n\nAaaaaaaand it's a coupon for -- PFFFFFFHAHAHAHAHAHA -- sorry, hahaha, a professional pedicure at, heh, at Flegel's Beauty Salon! Hahaha, oh god, I'm dying! Enjoy your reward, Champion! \n\nSorry, but that's it for today, everyone. Please tune in again next week to find out if our new champion can defend his title! \n\n\n\nCiao ciao!
Aaaand we're back with the final round of this week's Donner Dome, brought to you by Dusty Denim. As always, providing commentary for this spectacle will be your favorite, with centuries of experience, yet still as fresh as on the first day, the lovely, the adorable, the only Mary Melissa Anemone. Tee hee~\n\nThe gates have opened and our contestants are entering the ring. \nIn the periwinkle corner, the challenger -- slow as a tree but strong as an ox -- the glacial, the mighty Lumberiiiiing Jaaaaack!\nAnd in the timberwolf corner, our champion -- combining the speed of a mountain with the precision and ferocity of a forest fire -- the formidable, the fierce Toweriiiiiiing Titaaaaaaan!\n\nWaiting for the battle to start, the two combatants shamble toward the center of the ring. Geez, always so slow! Just get on with it already! \n\nAnd that is the gong. Ladies and gentlemen, it is on. Who will land the first blow? The challenger? The champion? \n\nOh! What is this? What is the Titan doing? Is he... No, he can't be...! He's bowing! How noble! How utterly moronic!\n\nMy, my! Lumbering Jack uses this opportunity to \n\n[[kick him!|Dishonored]]\n\n[[bow.|Honored]]\n\n[[wait.|Boring]]
Looks like our champion has noticed something's up! But too late! Jack's leg smashes into the Titan's face like a battering ram! \n\nDid you hear something crunch? Because I heard something crunch! \n\nIt's not looking good for our champion. This blunder might cost him the match! He struggles to get up and -- oh! His jaw is just barely hanging on! \n\nJack keeps up the pressure and \n\n[[kicks the Titan's face!|Counter Leg]]\n\n[[... offers him his hand?!|Need a hand]]
Jack hasn't given up yet! This better be good! \n\nHe takes a step forward. And another -- no, he's spinning! It's a butterfly kick! Jack's broken arms just make him faster!\n\nTitan blocks, but -- oh, I can't look. Who am I kidding? Of course I can. The kick connects and demolishes Titan! \n\nHah! Looks like Jack paid Titan back by breaking his arms too! And his head! Man, the top half of Titan's head is gone! Can you believe it? Just cleft it in half! Take that, you boring oaf! \n\nYes, the match is over! I'm proud to announce the winner, the new champion, Lumberiiiiiiiiiing Jaaaaaaaaack! \n\nPhew, that sure was something. Next, let's take a look which prize Lady Luck has in store for Jack. Drum roll, please. And his prize is a coupon foooooooor ... a watch! Well, it could have been worse. Congrats! \n\nThanks for tuning in, everyone! Come back next week to find out if our new champion can keep his title. Maybe Titan will even make his comeback? Anything could happen, so don't miss it. \n\n\n\nAdieu.
What is this?! Are my eyes deceiving me? Have my years of burning clowns alive finally caught up with me? \n\nFirst Jack plays dirty, now he wants to help his opponent up? Where did this disgusting and misplaced camaraderie come from? This has to be another trick! Let's see how Titan reacts! \n\nHe takes Jack's hand! They ... they share a smile ... and... \nAnd Titan rips off his opponent's arm! Yes! \n\nStupid Jack tumbles forward. Using this opportunity, Titan smashes the challenger's face with his own arm! Is this karma? Jack is launched away like a puppy! Never have I seen someone get his just desserts so quickly and in such an amusing way. I almost want to thank Jack. \n\nTitan gets up. His opponent doesn't move a muscle. Wait, is that...? Yes, Jack quite literally lost his head! That decides it! Our winner, our champion, is once again Toweriiiiiiiiiiing Titaaaaaaaan! \n\nLadies and gentlemen, it was a short match, but it made up for it in sheer entertainment value. For twelve weeks in a row, our champion has defended his position! Can nobody stop this murder machine? Will Lumbering Jack get patched up and come back for a rematch? Tune in next week to find out! \n\n\n\nBye bye!
Jack tries to sit up, but all it did was move his head into Titan's attack! Ow! Titan lands on Jack's face! \n\nThe champion jumps off and prepares himself for his next move. \n\nI don't think he'll need one. Jack's head looks, as we professionals call it, like a pancake. Mmmh, I'm a little hungry. Ahem. \n\nJack doesn't move, and no one is surprised. That's it! Ladies and gentlemen, our winner, our champion is yet again Toweriiiiiiing Titaaaaaan! \n\nI hope you enjoyed this match as much as I did, because that's all we're gonna get for today. Towering Titan has proved his superiority over the competition once again, but how long will his streak continue? Perhaps we'll see a fixed and improved Jack next week? Whatever the case may be, please tune in next week to find out! \n\n\n\nAu revoir.
Jack doesn't even try to get up. Does he have a plan? Whatever the case, this is gonna be interesting. \n\nHe swings his legs toward his head and... He can't be...! Jack catches the falling Titan with his feet and launches him into the sky! Well played! \n\nTitan soars upward like the price of oil before holidays! Will he land in our arena or outside? If it's the latter, well, I don't think there's a rule against leaving the ring. Nobody has ever managed to do that, after all. But let us worry about that if it happens. And from the looks of it our champion will stay in the arena. But from that height... \n\nHe's plummeting! What incredible speed! Will he survive? Will he be able to fight on? Doesn't look likely! \n\nTitan's crashing into the ground and -- oh god, so much dust! I can't see anything! Aaaah! I wanna know what's going on! Activate the fans! Do it!\n\nWe advise our live audience to close their eyes and cover any other orifices. Just to be on the safe side, of course. \n\nAll right, I see something. Looks like ... yes, Titan's body has shattered like the dreams of a young actress after gaining weight. Well, they might be able to fix him, but for now there's no way he can continue. \n\nThat means Jack ... oh, it appears this brilliant maneuver has crushed his legs. Oh well, he's still in much better shape than Titan, which makes him the winner! Yes, you heard right! Our new champion is Lumberiiiiiiing Jaaaaaack! \n\nLet's see which prize he'll get. Come on, hurry up. It's a coupon for ... a teddy bear. Pffffhahahahahaha. Yes, brilliant! A teddy bear! Man, I'm dying here. \n\nPhew. Ladies and gentlemen, that's it for today. Tune in next week to find out if our new champion can defend the title. Maybe we'll even see Titan make a comeback. Don't miss it! \n\n\n\nMata ne.
Nooo! What is he doing?!\n\nPlease, Titan, for the love of all that is fair and just in this world, dismantle him already! Come on! You two are killing me here! \n\nLadies and gentlemen, Titan has failed us all. They're shaking hands. In my decades of commentating this event I've never seen something so ... so ... abhorrent. \n\nWe've come here to watch you beat each other to death, not become the best of friends! \n\nI don't think I want to know what happens next, but it's my duty to keep you informed. Ah, the burden of responsibility. \n\n[[They kiss.|smooches]]\n\n[[They laugh.|giggles]]
Jack has decided to do something for a change and throws a punch with enough force to break a cow in half. Buuuut! Titan catches his attack! Holding Jack's arm with one hand, he uses his other one to shatter Jack's elbow! Oooh, that arm's useless now! \n\nLooks like the challenger has lost his cool! He's preparing another attack! Yeah, don't let him get away with that! \n\nHe attacks again with \n\n[[his broken arm.|broken]]\n\n[[his other arm.|otherarm]]
I can't believe this! Titan's not doing anything. Jack's not doing anything. Why did they even come here if they're just planning to stand around all day? \n\nThey're just staring at each other! Aaaaagh! You know what? I've had enough of this. Unleash the pigs! \n\nYes, I know what happened last time. I'm aware of the risks. Yes, I don't care. Just do it already! \n\nThe gates have been opened and the pigs storm into the arena. They're starving and they're mad! Our combatants have to do something if they don't want to get munched on. But it looks like the sudden onslaught surprised them. Too busy standing around, they don't react to the horde until they're already knocked down. Well, if they don't want to fight they'll have to amuse us like this. It's their own fault, really. \n\nWith all these pigs in the way I can't spot our contestants. I guess they're done for. Good riddance, I say. \n\nLadies and gentlemen, I hope you enjoyed this match or at least the conclusion. Next week we'll be back with a battle royale to decide our next champion. Don't miss it! \n\n\nAuf Wiedersehen!
Donner Dome
Jack's fist shoots forward. Boring, but reliable. \n\nOur champion will have none of that, though. He sidesteps the attack almost effortlessly -- which is quite impressive for someone of his build -- spins and, using the momentum, slams his elbow in Jack's face. \n\nThe challenger stumbles and falls like an elephant missing two of his legs. Before the dust has time to settle Titan jumps into the air. \n\nTitan will crush him! What is Jack's plan? \n\n[[Get up.|getup]]\n\n[[Stay down.|ground]]
Titan makes his move! He's ... offering his hand? What's wrong with him today? Stop fraternizing! It's disgusting! \n\nHow will Jack react? Please, do something! Anything! \n\n[[Shake hands.|ripandtear]]\n\n[[Wait.|waittoomuch]]
Presented with a golden opportunity, Jack decides to do nothing at all. Boo! Booooring! \nWell, let's find out if he can manage to win anyway. \n\nOur champion's standing upright again. Who will attack first? Come on, guys! Don't make me wait any longer! \n\n[[Punch.|attack]]\n\n[[Wait.|waitagain]]
Our combatants ready themselves for the next strike. Titan prepares to block Jack's healthy arm, but ... he doesn't see the broken arm coming! Jack's hand hits Titan like ... like a paper fan! \nThe attack distracts him long enough for Jack to follow up with his other arm! The hook connects!\n\nOur champion sways and staggers. Jack doesn't allow him any respite. Another uppercut from Jack and Titan goes down! \n\nIs this it? Titan doesn't move! Looks like ... yes, that's it! It's over! Ladies and gentlemen, please applaud our victor, our new champion, Lumberiiiiiing Jaaaaaaack! \n\nThe fight might have started off slow, but I hope you enjoyed the later developments. Anyway, while Titan gets carried off we'll take a look at our champion's prize. Oh, I'm excited! What will it be? \n\nAnd his prize iiiiiiis ... a coupon for a beret. Oh. Eh. Well, have fun with that one, I guess. \n\nWill Towering Titan return? Will Lumbering Jack manage to hold onto his new title? Tune in next week to find out. \n\n\n\nCheerio!
In his rage Jack strikes again with his other arm. But Titan sees it coming and catches this one too! With a single blow he shatters Jack's second elbow as well! \n\nThings aren't looking good for the challenger. Without his two arms his options are limited. Our champion, on the other hand, has no such handicap. But an animal is most dangerous when cornered! Will Jack manage a comeback?\n\nTitan leaves the initiative to his opponent. Playing it safe, eh? Boooring! Now I want him to lose. Keep fighting, Jack! Do something! \n\n[[Do something.|comeback]]\n\n[[Contemplate what to do.|contemplation]]\n\n
Jack pulls Titan closer and they ... they ... they kiss!\nOh my. I ... What am I witnessing here? Words fail me, ladies and gentlemen! \n\nTheir friendly behavior in the ring has brought shame upon our tournament, but ... I ... Ahem, my apologies. Water is ... umm, dripping from the ceiling and hitting my eyes. Yes. How undignified. \n\nThe combatants are still embracing and kissing each other. They show no signs of stopping. Such an unbridled display of affection! I-I just can't bring myself to interfere!\n\nB-but we need a winner! There has to be one! Aah, what should I do? \n\nOf course! That's it! \n\nLadies and gentlemen, this weeks finale might have been unorthodox, but next week we'll be back with a tag team tournament! Yes, you heard right! Look forward to a day of couples annihilating other couples! \n\nFor now we'll say goodbye to our two love birds. Tune in next week or you'll miss history in the making. \n\n\n\nBis dann!
Looks like Jack has no idea. Man, how disappointing! Yeah, sure, just keep staring at each other, you two. That's what we came here for. \n\nTitan seems dissatisfied with their stalemate. Fine, do something already! You're boring me to tears. \n\nHe raises his fist and slams it into Jack as if it were a speeding train. He ... Oh man, he ... he punched right through Jack! He left a hole the size of a baby! \n\nJack looks down, up at Titan, and back down. He just ... lies down on the ground. Lost your will to fight, eh? Well, I guess that's also a way to end this match. \n\nAll right, ladies and gentlemen! That decides it! The victor, our champion, is yet again Toweriiiiiiiiiing Titaaaaaaaan!\n\nIt wasn't the most exciting of matches, but I think the conclusion made up for that. Can anyone stop Titan's winning streak? Tune in next week to find out! Don't miss it! \n\n\n\nArrividerci!
body {color:black;}\nbody {background-color:white;}\n
Inconceivable!\n\nJack bows as well, proving that our champion isn't the only imbecile in the ring. Here's a hint: Only losers play fair in our arena! \n\nAfter their bows they're still looking at each other. Just go bash your heads in already! Ugh, this is awful! You two make me wanna drink myself into a coma. \n\nJack's moving! Finally! What will his first attack be?\n\n[[Shake hands.|handshake]]\n\n[[Punch!|facepunch]]
Oh, come on! When I said "anything" I didn't mean "shaking hands"! How frustrating! I don't want to keep commentating like this. \n\nThe combatants smile at each other. Jack has stopped smiling. Is something -- oh! Titan holds onto Jack's arm with both hands and ... he's spinning! He's going faster and faster. Jack didn't react quickly enough and now he's being swung around, powerless to do anything. \n\nOh boy! Titan lets go and sends Jack flying into the wall! The impact leaves a small crater. Will Jack get up again? Or is he done for? \n\nWait! Turns out Titan didn't let go -- he's still holding Jack's arm! Haha, what a twist, huh? \n\nIt doesn't look like our challenger's moving. Well, I'm not surprised. I guess that settles it, then. \n\nLadies and gentlemen, this week, too, our winner, our champion is Toweriiiiiing Titaaaaaaan! \n\nIt had a slow start but I hope you enjoyed this match anyway. Next week our champion will try to defend his title once again. Can anyone defeat him? Will Lumbering Jack return? Tune in next week to find out! \n\n\n\nGoodbye!
Bob V.F. Montoya