You are sitting outside your home on a warm spring day. Across from you, your long-time friend, Dan, sits drinking a cup of coffee.\n\nDan has begun talking to you about a strange compulsion he's had lately to stab himself in the chest with a silver letter opener, though he can't explain where this feeling comes from.\n\nHe pulls a silver letter opener from his shirt pocket and begins showing it to you.\n\nDo you?\n[[Let Dan stab himself with the silver letter opener.|Stab]]\n\n[[Tackle Dan, thereby stopping him from stabbing himself with the silver letter opener.|Squirrel]]\n\n[img[dan.jpg]][img[silverletteropener.jpg]]\n
As you dodge left to try to avoid the group of charging kids, several loose droplets of water splash onto Dan's newspaper body, soaking through. The kids notice this and begin splashing additional water on your once-human friend, as children are cruel and feral and uncaring.\n\nThe water soaks through Dan, who begins screaming, then becomes gradually more quiet as the newsprint runs together in a bleary mess.\n\nYou look at the sodden mess on the utility cart and vow to do better next time.\n\nThe end.\n\n[img[soakednewspaper.jpg]]\n\n
Heading east, you find a small door with a grumbling sound emanating from behind it and the word "Woogums, Vice President of Mauling Services" on a placard above it. Realizing this may be your only means of locating the shaman, you open the door to find Woogums, a 600 pound polar bear, in the middle of his lunch.\n\nWoogums is not happy with your intrusion, looks up, charges and lives up to his well-deserved title of Vice President of Mauling Services.\n\nAs you lay, just about oh so very dead, you realize you and Woogums could have been friends under different circumstances.\n\nThe end.\n\n[img[iratewoogums.jpg]]\n\n
You stop folding the newspaper and hold it in your hands, gazing at it.\n\n"What do you want to do, Dan?" you ask, trying to wrap your mind around what's happened.\n\n"We've got to make me human again...I might have an idea", says the newspaper. "Ok, on page 36, the Twin Pines mall listings mention a shaman of some sort over there. That might be worth a shot."\n\n"You can read the information printed on you?" you ask.\n\n"I guess so. I mean, I'm a talking newspaper, so it sort of makes sense", the newspaper replies. "Anyway, the mall might be a good place to start. Just...could you try not to make it hurt?"\n\n"Sure", you say. You gently pick up the newspaper and [[begin walking in the direction of the Twin Pines mall.|TwinPinesMall]]\n\n[img[twinpinesmall.png]]
You've wandered across a strange merchant who, despite his mask, seems to have a ton of useful stuff in his trench coat. The items are available at a considerable savings, though you don't quite know what you'll do with a rocket launcher or how he managed to fit it in the aforementioned trench coat...\n\n"Can I help you?" asks the merchant.\n\n"Um, do you know where to find the shaman in the mall? My friend was turned into a newspaper and we don't know what to do."\n\nThe merchant gazes intently at you, then quietly points his finger to the southern end of the shopping mall. \n\n[[Head to where the merchant's pointing|LadyShaman]]\n\n[img[re4merchant.jpg]]\n
You successfully tackle Dan, knocking the coffee and the silver letter opener from his hands. Looking down at your friend, you see him begin to shudder, shrink, then grow a layer of fur and a large, bushy tail.\n\nWithin moments, Dan has become a squirrel and is now skittering about frantically beginning to harvest food for the coming winter.\n\nAs you call out to the squirrel, you see that it doesn't seem to recognize you.\n\nThe squirrel then hops the neighbor's fence and proceeds to move on with its new existence.\n\nThe end.\n\n[img[squirrel.jpg]]
Walking into the Twin Pines Mall, you push the utility cart past dozens of energetic shoppers and salespeople going about their business. Gently pressing the newspaper against the cart and trying to keep it from flying away, you scan the area around you to see if anyone might know where the mall's shaman would be.\n\nHead north towards the [[water fountain|WaterFountain]] to ask shoppers if they know where to find the mall's shaman.\n\nHead [[to the department store to the east|Woogums]] to ask if anyone knows about a shaman in the mall.\n\nHead to the [[Baskin Robbins to the west|JediSquirrels]] to inquire after the shaman.\n\nHead [[south to see if anyone can point the way to the shaman.|LadyShaman]]\n\n[img[shoppingmallinterior.jpg]]
Wandering south, you notice a small booth with a flashing neon sign that loudly exclaims "Mall Shaman: For All Occasions When Friends and Family Have Been Turned into Free Weekly Newspapers".\n\nYou enter the booth to find a dark haired woman in her early thirties offering shaman-based services at a reasonable price. Upon explaining your situation to her, she sighs, looks at you and begins explaining what may have happened.\n\n"It's Justin Bieber's fault," she says.\n\n"What?" you ask, unsure of what to make of this information.\n\n"About three years ago, Justin Bieber's power began to grow exponentially. Within the past six months, his power has grown to the point that he is now capable of turning people into free weekly newspapers after compelling them to stab themselves with silver letter openers. It's not pleasant, but it IS good for business..."\n\n"Only you can hope to defeat him, but you must go through a Training Montage in order for this to happen," she says.\n\n[[Go Through Training Montage|TrainingMontage]]\n\n[img[ladyshaman.jpg]]
As you begin to fold the newspaper, you hear it crying out in pain.\n\n"Stop it! That REALLY hurts! Stop it!!!" screams the newspaper, which begins to whimper, then eventually cry.\n\n[[Continue folding the newspaper and put it in your pocket.|Superman]]\n\n[[Stop folding the newspaper.|Stopandthink]]\n\n[img[foldpaper.jpg]]
You look at Carl Weathers, nod, answer that you feel your training is complete and have Carl walk you towards the chamber where the evil seems to emanate from most strongly. Pushing the utility cart towards a door marked "El Bieber", you look down at utility the cart as you hear Dan shudder, then look up to see Justin Bieber laying atop a pile of money.\n\nJustin, who is nowhere close to finishing puberty, is surrounded by legions of bodyguards, who proceed to surround you, close in, fight Justin's battle for him and beat you into the next world while a continuous loop of preteen fangirl screams of delight emanate from speakers installed on the walls.\n\nThe end.\n\n[img[punchablebieber.jpg]]\n
Sitting back, you resist the urge to tackle Dan, who drives the silver letter opener into his chest.\n\nMaking no noise at all, you watch a semi-clear, green liquid begin to emanate from the wound. \n\nDan recoils slightly, but watches the green liquid flow from the wound, a fascinated look appearing on his face.\n\n[[Watch the transformation complete.|Newspaper]]\n\n[img[goo.jpg]]
It takes a few moments via the playing of part of Justin Bieber's hit single "Boyfriend" as well as Dan the newspaper's reading of the current review of Bieber's new album, but the full atrocity of Justin Bieber's crimes against music, culture, humanity, dignity and freestanding custodial buckets hits Woogums, the Vice President of Mauling, full force.\n\nStanding on his hind legs, Woogums towers over all around him, laying waste to Bieber's bodyguards. Carl Weathers backs Woogums up, keeps from being surrounded while you put your amazing new hand to hand fighting to the test and Dan the newspaper shouts vague insults towards Justin Bieber.\n\nWithin moments, Bieber's dozens of bodyguards have been slain and Justin Bieber has been pinned against a wall. There is no escape and only the final blow to deliver to release the world from Justin Bieber's presence.\n\n[[Deliver the Final Blow!!!|FinalBlow]]\n\n[img[adorablemauling.jpg]]\n\n
Dan the Newspaper
Walking towards the Twin Pines Mall, you hold Dan the newspaper in your hands, careful not to crinkle or fold him as you walk across the parking lot.\n\n"I'm sorry this happened, Dan..." you begin to say.\n\n"It's all right. Maybe I brought it on myself", the newspaper replies. "Look, this is going to sound weird, but even when you carry me, it's jostling me and it hurts. Is there any way you could carry me or push me a bit more smoothly?"\n\n"I'll see what I can do", you reply, looking around for something to push the newspaper with.\n\nYour eye catches an unused utility cart outside an office supply store that might serve your purpose.\n\n[[Grab utility cart as smoother mode of transportation for Dan the newspaper.|Utilitycart]]\n\n[img[utilitycart.jpg]]
In a belief-defying, history-baffling Ultimate Attack, human, polar bear and man-turned-newspaper combine their efforts into a single blow that not only partially levels the Twin Pines mall and creates an explosion that can be seen for miles, but reduces Justin Bieber into theoretical subatomic particles. \n\nThere is no blood, no remains save for those idiotic red shoes he seemed fond of wearing and no evidence he existed.\n\nA low moan rises from the distance as millions of preteen fans across the globe realize that Justin Bieber hasn't tweeted in MINUTES and perhaps something terrible has happened to him. \n\nSomewhere, at the periphery of consciousness, you feel America's test scores begin to rise, if only slightly.\n\nYou notice Dan standing in front of you, human once again and smiling with relief.\n\n[[You have defeated Justin Bieber.|Victory]]\n\n[img[supersaiyan.jpg]]
As you push the utility cart by the mall's water fountain, you notice a group of small children playing near the fountain, splashing water and grabbing coins from the fountain. Dan the newspaper seems cringe in fear as droplets of water come near the cart. The small horde of kids seems to be charging your way, oblivious of the utility cart all the while.\n\n[[Dodge left.|SoakedNewspaper]]\n\n[[Dodge right.|HelpfulMerchant]]\n\n[img[waterfountain.jpg]]
Pushing the utility cart with Dan the Newspaper atop it and both Woogums the Vice President of Mauling Services and Carl Weathers at your side, you enter a chamber to find Justin Bieber laying atop a pile of money and surrounded by bodyguards. \n\n"You turned my friend into a free weekly newspaper, you jackass!!!" you yell across the room.\n\n"What are you going to do about it?" asks Justin Bieber, his bodyguards fanning him with wads of money.\n\n"THIS, you Canadian douche weasel!!!" you cry, unleashing the full fury of both you, Woogums, Carl Weathers and Dan the newspaper.\n\n[[Charge into battle.|BattleTheBieber]]\n\n[[Show Woogums the full horror of Justin Bieber's musical catalog, then see what happens.|TheMaulingofBieber]]\n\n[img[thebiebs.jpg]]\n\n\n
Heading west to the Baskin Robbins, you come across the home of the 31 flavors to find the ice cream shop staffed not by humans, but by three irate Sith Lord squirrels armed with light sabers.\n\nThe Sith Lord Squirrels waste no time in surrounding you, attacking you, Dan the newspaper and the utility cart with their light sabers. \n\nWhen the final tiny light saber cuts you to pieces, the Sith Lord Squirrels scamper off to collect foodstuffs for the coming winter.\n\nThe end.\n\n[img[jedisquirrels.jpg]]
"You did it! You saved me!" says Dan, who steps around the utility cart to give you a hug that almost breaks your ribs.\n\n"THANK YOU!" he half-yells, tears streaming down his face.\n\n"You're welcome", you reply, struggling to breathe.\n\nBeside you, Carl Weathers and Woogums nod, though in your heart, you know that evil could always rise again.\n\nThe four of you step out for a coffee and a pastry of victory, Woogums leading the way.. \n\n[img[thebest.gif]]
As the green ooze leaves Dan's body, you notice your friend beginning to shrivel in his clothing. His body turns a cream-white color as lines of what appear to be text surfaces on his skin.\n\nOver the course of about a minute, Dan shrinks, his body making horrible crinkling sounds as he becomes a print edition of a free weekly newspaper.\n\nAt the end of the transformation, Dan has become a 64 page newspaper, complete with event listings, classified ads, personal information and in-depth articles about the very best places in town for coffee.\n\n[[Speak to Dan the newspaper.|Danthenewspaper]]\n\n[img[newspaper.jpg]]
Carl Weathers leads you to the other end of a mall through a door with a plaque that says "Woogums, Vice President of Mauling Services" across the top. Walking into the room, you see a large polar bear nibbling on a fish. The bear looks at you intently and growls briefly before Carl Weathers interjects on your behalf.\n\n"It's cool, Woogums. It's cool. This guy's here to take down Justin Bieber and I thought you could help."\n\nWoogums looks at you for a moment, spits the fish from his mouth and comes over to your side.\n\nYou might just have a new companion.\n\n[[Head off to Battle Justin Bieber.|TheBiebs]]\n\n[img[iratewoogums.jpg]]
The Training Montage is everything you ever hoped it could be.\n\nOver the course of days and weeks, which feels like only minutes, Carl Weathers offers his guidance, trains you in the old school ways of becoming ever leaner, stronger and faster, all while "Eye of the Tiger" plays in the background.\n\nAfter racing Carl Weathers down a beach in what can only be described as ambiguous shorts, Carl looks at you and says that while you might be ready to battle Justin Bieber in your current state, it might be best to enlist the help of Woogums, the mall's Vice President of Mauling Services, in the coming battle...\n\n[[Battle Justin Bieber.|BattleTheBieber]]\n\n[[Enlist the Help of Woogums, Vice President of Mauling Services.|EnlistWoogums]]\n\n[img[montage.jpg]]\n\n
"What happened?!!" screams the newspaper, which is now laying at your feet, a gentle breeze fluttering its pages.\n\n"Dan...you're a newspaper", you say.\n\nA silence falls between the two of you and for about a minute, neither you or the newspaper that was once your close friend say anything. The breeze pushes a few pages back, revealing a recent obituary for a local librarian and a clippable coupon for 10% off canned peaches at a nearby grocery store.\n\n"A newspaper?! Ok, ok...what now?" asks the newspaper.\n\n"I'm not sure", you say. "Let me fold you up, see if we can find some help."\n\n[[Fold newspaper and put it in your pocket.|FoldPaper]]\n\n[img[talkingnewspaper.jpg]]
Chris Barylick is a Bay Area-based writer dude who wishes that "Space Marine" was a viable career choice. His love of video games is matched only by his disbelief that Justin Bieber has been allowed to live this long and hasn't been shot into space with only 20 minutes of oxygen and a Rubik's Cube to keep him company.
As you put the folded newspaper in your pocket, you hear its cries of pain slowly fade away, the newspaper seeming to pass out in pain.\n\nWalking down the street, you see a blue-and-red blur soar down from the sky towards you. The blur slams into you, knocking the breath out of your body as a pair of hands emerge from it and grab the newspaper from your pocket before flying away.\n\nYou have just been pickpocketed by Bizarro Superman, who has taken the newspaper for its handy assortment of information and savings in local area stores. Bizarro Superman proceeds to rip the coupon section from the newspaper in order to save 15% on a choice sauvignon blanc wine with which to wine and dine Lois Lane in his arctic Fortress of Solitude.\n\nYou have lost your friend but helped Bizarro Superman advance his love life.\n\nThe end.\n\n[img[romanticsuperman.jpg]]