OH GOD LET'S GET MARRIED! Er, I mean, which one? \n\n[[Princess Mononoke and Spirited Away!|Monoway]]\n\n[[Howl's Moving Castle and Kiki's Delivery Service!|Howlservice]]\n\n[[DUDE, WHO CARES??? IT'S FRICKIN' MIYAZAKI!!!|miyazaki]]

[[We surf tumblr and youtube and find lots of cute videos of kittens, puppies, lemurs, sloths, snakes and rats. Er, not snakes and rats at the same time. Those videos tend not to be so cute.|EndMeh]]\n\n[[We fire up my YouTube favourites and jump around the room playing air guitar to Detroit Rock City and drooling over pictures of Norman Reedus in a dress.|EndGood]]\n \n

We spend a couple of happy sessions blissing out to Miyazaki's amazing cinematography, animation and touching stories. In the intermission, we grab a beer and spot cute guys in the lobby. \n\n[[I think I ate too much popcorn.|EndMeh]]\n\n[[That was amazing! Those movies never get old, even after 1,227 viewings!|EndGood]]

We FALL IN LOVE and GET (GAY)MARRIED (delete as applicable) and there is PUPPIES and RAINBOWS and ICECREAM for everyone. \n\nLike, really everyone, even total randoms who want beetroot icecream because why the fuck not. \n\n[[LET'S TOTALLY DO THAT AGAIN|RealStart]]\n

CHATLOG\n\nInternetRandom: Erm hi I've been reading your blog for ages now and I'm a big fan and I'm going to be in your city next week and erm yeah we should hang out kthxbai\n\nILLANM: Why do you want to hang out with me? I'm old and boring. [[Is there a white van outside my house? I mean, uh, sure, why not.|RealStart]]\n\n

We manage to polish off half the booze cabinet. About two cups actually get put in a recipe. It tastes good, but by the time we get to it, pretty much everything tastes good. \n\n[[Yerrrr my besssshhhht frennnnnnnd|EndGood]]\n

We argue over whether to roll a Surana or an Aeducan. I let you choose Surana if I can get Battle Mage skillz later on. \n\nWe argue about whether to roll a male or female Surana. We agree that romancing Alistair is so done, but then get into an argument on Zevran vs Morrigan. \n\nWe haven't even reached Ostagar. \n\nI want to throw Jowan to the wolves because I hate that guy. You throw up the mouse, yell "We can't be friends!" and storm out. \n\n[[TOO MANY FEEEEELS|EndBad]]\n

Well, that was fun. I feel a little bit sick from eating too much grease, but we should totally do this again some time. \n\n[[Sure, let's!|RealStart]]\n\n

You're right! Whatever was I thinking? [[Let's go!|EndGood]]

Uh... I just remembered that I have to ... wash my hair. \n\n[[But you don't have any hair!|overhere]]\n\n[[Well, what do you want to see?|movies]]\n\n[[Oh... well, we could do something else?|RealStart]]\n

Beautiful young people whinge about their terrible lives in giant mansions with parents who will give them anything they want. \n\nFor three fucking hours.\n\n[[You barely manage to stop me from stabbing you in the neck with my icecream spoon.|EndBad]]\n

A Date with ILLANM!

I momentarily forget that I am forty years old and rather overweight. When a random person I just made up spins the dial and yells "Left foot green!", I fall on you and crush all the air out of you. \n\n[[Urgh.|EndBad]]\n

I'm just gonna... stand over here now. \n\n[[Bitch.|EndBad]]

Om nom nom nom nom... do we have any more salt? \n\n[[Ow I burnt my mouth... think I need a beer!|EndMeh]]\n

Ooooh! What shall we play? \n\n[[Dragon Age! No multiplayer, but we'll sit around and drink wine and choose all the douchey answers. It'll be fun!|rpg]]\n\n[[Borderlands! It's like Barbie's Dream Armory! I have a Bolshy Lyuda!|shooter]]\n\n\n\n

Oh sure, I'm broke too. \n\n[[Let's cook!|cook]]\n\n[[Walk around the neighbourhood|walk]]\n\n[[Trawl the internet|trawl]]\n\n

We have a lovely time! \n\n(OK I didn't think this part of the game through very well. There is no bad result with Miyazaki, though, so good choice!)\n\n[[You're boring.|EndMeh]]\n\n[[It doesn't matter, I love you anyway!|EndGood]]\n

Well, that kind of sucked. Sorry. \n\n[[Try again|RealStart]]\n

[[WHEEEEEE!!! ASPLOSIONS!!!!|EndMeh]]\n

We make a series of cakes in mugs, all taking about two minutes to cook and five seconds to scarf down. Halfway through we run out of eggs and just eat the flour/butter/sugar mix. \n\n[[Urrrrrrrgh.|EndMeh]]\n

Oh yum! I love eat-, I mean, cooking! What are we making? \n\n[[Sweets! Sticky date pudding, banana bread, cheesecake - did you know you can make all of these in a mug?|sweets]]\n\n[[Slice up some yams and corn, cover 'em in chilli flakes and FRY YOU BASTARDS!|spicy]]\n\n[[I don't care, but it's gonna have booze in it somehow!|booze]]\n\n\n

Sure, let's go. \n\n[[We walk around for a few hours, peeking in op-shops and taking photos of local graffiti with our phones. You find a cute pair of retro earrings for fifty cents at the Brotherhood of St Laurence.|EndMeh]]\n

We tear the couch apart and use the cushions to build a fort, complete with blanket moat and turrets made from toilet rolls. When visitors arrive, we demand they pay a tribute of chocolate.\n\n[[It works!|EndMeh]]\n

Sure, I don't mind subtitles! \n\n[[Choose an angsty, kitchen-sink drama in which everybody dies|angst]]\n\n[[Choose a wistful bildungsroman which goes for three hours and nothing really happens|hipster]]\n\n[[Choose a Korean comedy|sicko]]\n

Hours later, police find our bloodied bodies slumped over the board. It appears one of the corpses has tried to stuff the Community Chest Cards down the other's throat. \n\n[[Whoops.|EndBad]]\n

Well... that was... well-acted... excuse me, I need a nice lie down. \n\nBy myself. \n\n[[Oh. OK. Er, thanks, I guess.|EndBad]]\n

Real actual games, huh? Like what? \n\n[[Monopoly! Watch lifelong socialists turn into feral Hayekians as they think you're making a move on their utilities.|monopoly]]\n\n[[Twister! It's hilarious!|twister]]\n\n[[Let's make a fort!|fort]]\n\n

You open your laptop and I get on my computer and we roll ourselves a fighting team of DOOOOOM. We spend a few happy hours shooting the crap out of everything in sight. \n\nThere's a bit of a slapfight when Knuckledragger unexpectedly drops a Hornet. I let you have it because you're the guest and you're playing as a Siren. \n\nOtherwise, it's all mindless fun til we order a pizza and switch to surfing for porn.\n\n[[I just felt my IQ drop by about 50 points and it felt GREAT|EndMeh]]\n

Cool! What are we seeing?\n\n[[An action movie! It stars Bruce Willis, Jean Claude Van Damme and Grace Jones!|action]]\n\n[[A romantic comedy! It stars Ryan Gosling, Keira Knightley and some other lightweight I forget the name of!|romance]]\n\n[[A deep and meaningful indie movie. You won't have heard of anyone in it, but it got rave reviews on the A.V.Club. You don't mind reading subtitles, do you?|arthouse]]\n\n[[There's a Studio Ghibli double feature on!|ghibli]]\n

Cool! Video or fleshy games? \n\n[[Video, of course! Let's frag!|vidya]]\n\n[[Real life games!|realgames]]\n

A date with ILLANM! How exciting! \n\nWhat are we doing? \n\n[[Let's go to the movies!|movies]]\n\n[[Let's play some games!|games]]\n\n[[Eh, let's just hang out and not do anything in particular|hang]]\n

Oh come on, that's too good to be true. \n\n[[Who cares, as long as things asplode?|asplode]]\n\n

ILLANM (ilikelookingatnakedmen.tumblr.com)

You already knew the Koreans had a pretty bent sense of humour, didn't you? That will make this family comedy about necrophilia and tax evasion much more enjoyable. \n\n[[Oh yeah, this is awesome.|EndMeh]]\n\n[[I... why are you laughing??? You sick fuck!|EndBad]]\n