I had a chameleon soul

When the people I used to know found out what I had been doing, how I had been living - they asked me why. But there’s no use in talking to people who have a home, they have no idea what it’s like to seek safety in other people, for home to be wherever you lie your head. I was always an unusual girl, my mother told me I had a chameleon soul. No moral compass pointing due north, no fixed personality. Just an inner indecisiveness that was as wide and as wavering as the ocean. And if I said that I didn’t plan for it to turn out this way, I’d be lying - because I was born to be the other woman. I belonged to no one - who belonged to everyone, who had nothing - who wanted everything with a fire for every experience and an obsession for freedom that terrified me to the point that I couldn’t even talk about - and pushed me to a nomadic point of madness that both dazzled and dizzied me.

I was in the winter of my life - and the men I met along the road were my only summer. At night I fell asleep with visions of myself dancing and laughing and crying with them. Three years down the line of being on an endless world tour and my memories of them were the only things that sustained me, and my only real happy times. I was a singer, not a very popular one.

When the people I used to know found out what I had been doing, how I had been living - they asked me why. But there’s no use in talking to people who have a home, they have no idea what it’s like to seek safety in other people, for home to be wherever you lie your head. I was always an unusual girl, my mother told me I had a chameleon soul. No moral compass pointing due north, no fixed personality. Just an inner indecisiveness that was as wide and as wavering as the ocean. And if I said that I didn’t plan for it to turn out this way.

 I’d be lying - because I was born to be the other woman. I belonged to no one - who belonged to everyone, who had nothing - who wanted everything with a fire for every experience and an obsession for freedom that terrified me to the point that I couldn’t even talk about - and pushed me to a nomadic point of madness that both dazzled and dizzied me.

I was in the winter of my life - and the men I met along the road were my only summer. At night I fell asleep with visions of myself dancing and laughing and crying with them. Three years down the line of being on an endless world tour and my memories of them were the only things that sustained me, and my only real happy times. I was a singer, not a very popular one.

I was in the winter of my life.

I think, I think when it's all over, it just comes back in flashes, you know? it's like a kaleidoscope of memories. It just all comes back. But he never does. I think part of me knew the second I saw him that this would happen. It's not really anything he said or anything he did, it was the feeling that came along with it. And the crazy thing is I don't know if I'm ever gonna feel that way again. But I don't know if I should. I knew his world moved too fast and burned too bright. But I just thought, how can the devil be pulling you toward someone who looks so much like an angel when he smiles at you? Maybe he knew that when he saw me. I guess I just lost my balance.
I think that the worst part of it all wasn't losing him.
It was losing me.

It's like you're screaming and no one can hear. You almost feel ashamed, that someone could be that important that without him you feel like nothing. No one will ever understand how much it hurts
You feel hopeless, but nothing can save you and when it's over and it's gone.
You almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back, so that you could have the good.

I was in the winter of my life. And the men I met along the road were my only summer. At night I fell sleep with visions of myself dancing and laughing and crying with them. Three years down the line of being on an endless world tour and my memories of them were the only things that sustained me and my only real happy times.