YOU TEAM UP WITH ERIN FOR LIKE 15 MINUTES AND THEN SHE GETS MAD MURDERED BY LAKKS\n\nYOU SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE FIGHTING THE SKREE HORDES IN HER HONOR UNTIL YOU GET BLOWN AWAY IN AN ACT OF MARTYRDOM LAUNCHING THE LAST ESCAPE POD FROM EARTH WHERE THEY BUILD A NEW LIFE ON THE PLANET "RICARDO SANTIAGO WAS A REAL COOL GUY - THE PLANET EXPERIENCE"\n\nTHAT'S A REAL BUMMER, DUDE, I'M SO SORRY.\n\n\n[[THE END]]
WRITTEN BY ZACK COHEN IN AN HOUR IN A FIT OF KINDA DRUNK GOOFINESS \n\n<html>WWW.TWITTER.COM/WHOPPERFURIOSO<html>
COMMONLY USED SLURS FOR SKREELAKS:\n\nLAKS\nSKREES\nORBHEADS\nBEAKFACES\nFORMER JERKWADS (VERY RACIST CONSIDERING WE NUKED THEIR PLANET OF JERKWADIAN 8)\n\n[[BACK|AND THERE'S THIS PRETTY GIRL]]
WELCOME TO CLASS YOU SHIT SORRY GRUNTS LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE SKREE MENACE FIRST THINGS FIRST THINGS FIRST I THINK YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT THE SKREE ARE A BUNCH OF SHITHEADS SAID [[COMMANDER HOUSTON]] ALL COOL LIKE \n\nI-IM SORRY TO BOTHER YOU BUT DO YOU KNOW WHERE SHIVING A MOTHERFUCKER THROUGH THE EYE WITH A BAYONET 101 IS I JUST TRANSFERED HERE I ASK BARRY AND BARRY'S LIKE I HAVE NO CLUE BUT SHE DOES AND HE POINTS TO THE BACK CORNER OF THE CLASSROOM\n\n[[AND THERE'S THIS PRETTY GIRL]]
IT WAS BARRY. IT WAS ALWAYS BARRY. YOU KNEW IT FROM THE MOMENT YOU SAW HIM IT WAS BARRY. YOU LOOK INTO HIS EYES. IT'S TIME BARRY. IVE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU TO SAY THAT FOR A LONG TIME BARRY SAYS\n\nANYWAYS YOU GUYS SPEND THE NEXT 7 YEARS KILLING OFF EVERY LAST SKREELAK (INCLUDING THE CHILDREN (ESPECIALLY THE CHILDREN)) THAT EVER CAME NEAR EARTH AND END UP SAVING EVERYONE. YOU SELL OFF THE RIGHTS TO YOUR STORY AND SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIVES IN A NICE TUDOR IN NEWNEWNEWNEWNEW YORK HAVING REALLY, REALLY GREAT SEX. \n\nYOU GO DOWN IN HISTORY AS THE HERO OF CUM HIGH \n\n[[THE END]]
SHES REALLY PRETTY SHE HAS RED HAIR PULLED INTO A MODEST PONYTAIL AND GLASSES AND I WALK UP TO HER TO ASK HER WHERE THAT SHIVVING THING IS AND SHE'S LIKE O-OH WELL UHH IT'S IN THE HUMANITIES WING ON THE SECOND FLOOR AND I WAS LIKE THANKS AND WHATS YOUR NAME AND SHE WAS LIKE ERIN AND I WAS LIKE THAT'S COOL ERIN \n\nHEY YOU SHITHEADED POOP BUTT YOU BETTER BE PAYING ATTENTION TO HOW TO SCALP A [['LAK]] AND THEN ATTACH IT TO YOUR GUN SOMEHOW TO MAKE YOUR GUN COOLER\n\n[[WELL I'LL HAVE TO SEE YOU AROUND ERIN]] \n\n\n
IT WAS CALLED A PROKLOADER AND IT HAD 6 RED ORBS ALL OVER IT POOR DUDE NEVER HAD A CHANCE I LOVED HIM SO MUCH \n\n[[BACK|YOU ARE RICARDO SANTIAGO AND THIS IS YOUR FIRST DAY OF CUM HIGH]]
I GET TO TALKING TO HER AND SHE'S AWFUL BOOKISH AND SMART AND STUFF AND SHE HAS TROUBLE TALKING TO PEOPLE CAUSE SHE'S SO SHY AND I'M LIKE YOU CAN TALK TO ME WHENEVER YOU LIKE BUT I DID IT IN MY SMOOTH VOICE AND I DONT THINK IT WORKED CAUSE SHE LOOKED AT ME LIKE DUDE WHAT \n\nWELL A WEEK LATER I ASK ERIN OUT ON A DATE AND IT GOES PRETTY WELL ALL THINGS CONSIDERED ESPECIALLY SINCE RIGHT WHEN I WAS GONNA DO THE WHOLE ARM AROUND THE SHOULDER MOVE WE HAD TO FACE OFF AGAINST 4 WAVES OF LAK RIPPERS AND GRUNGERS WITH NOTHING BUT THE TWO WELL PLACED TURRETS IN THE MOVIE THEATER \n\nI THINK IT WAS THE UNIVERSES WAY OF TELLING ME TO PLAY IT SLOW \n\nWELL THEN I WALKED ERIN BACK TO HER HOUSE AND SHE THANKED ME FOR THE WONDERFUL EXPERIENCE, INVASION THING AND ALL \n\n[[THE NEXT DAY AT SCHOOL]]\n\n
WELL THERE I WAS IN PHYSICAL EDUCATION (TODAYS SPORT WAS BENDO WHICH IS BASICALLY KENDO WITH LIKE COOL NEON WOOD) AND WE PUT ON THOSE HEAVY ASS MASKS AND I STARTED WACKING ON THIS DUDE WHO WAS ALSO IN A MASK AND WE HAVE THIS REALLY COOL ASS BENDO MATCH WITH US JUMPING AND FLIPPING AND SHIT AND ALL OF A SUDDEN THIS DUDE GETS ME RIGHT IN THE GUTS AND IM LIKE DAMN DUDE YOU GOT SOME FUCKING SKILLS BUT THEN THE DUDE TOOK OFF HIS HELMET\n\n<html><i>AND IT WASNT A DUDE</i></html> \n\nNAH IT WAS GIRL WHO WAS REALLY PRETTY AND SHE HAD BLACK HAIR PULLED INTO A MODEST PONYTAIL AND WAS LIKE WHATEVER I DONT NEED YOUR PRAISE AND SHE WALKED OFF \n\nSO THEN I FOLLOWED HER OUT OF CLASS AND WAS LIKE HEY WE SHOULD GO OUT AND SHE WAS LIKE YEAH LIKE I WANNA GO OUT WITH A LOSER LIKE YOU \n\n[[A WEEK LATER, WITH A LOSER LIKE ME]]\n
CONGRATS SOLDIER IM PROUD OF YA YOUR DAD GIVES YOU A PAT ON THE BACK AND IS ALL LIKE WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE WHEN WE WENT TO CUM HIGH THEY TAUGHT US HOW TO SHOOT A SKREELAK IN THE TWO RED ORBS IT HAS FOR SOLDIERS BUT NOWADAYS THEY TEACH YOU KIDS TO RUN UP TO IT AND TEAR THE ORBS OUT AND SICKNASTY SHIT LIKE THAT WELL SEE YA \n\nYOUR DAD WOULD LATER BE RIPPED IN HALF BY [[A REALLY SICK LOOKING ROBOT]] WHILE YOU YELL AT THE SKY \n\nHI IM BARRY NEWMAN SAID BARRY NEWMAN AND IM GONNA BE YOUR NEW BEST FRIEND SAID BARRY NEWMAN MY NEW BEST FRIEND I CAN SEE YOU HAVE A LOT TO LEARN ABOUT CUM HIGH DUDE WELL LET'S GET TO CLASS \n\n[[THEN WE GOT TO CLASS]]
THE YEAR IS TWENTY TWO NINETY NINE AND EARTH HAS BEEN UNDER INVASION FROM THE SKREELAK MENACE FOR OVER 100 YEARS. \n\nNATIONS HAVE FALLEN, GENREATIONS WIPED OUT, THE SKY MADE INTO THIS GROSS ASS BABY POOP COLOR, THE OCEANS TURNED INTO A LIQUID THAT TASTES SIMILAR TO BUT IS LEGALLY DIFFERENT FROM MANZANITA SOL BUT IT'S ALSO ACID I GUESS\n\nTHE REMAINING HUMAN FORCES HAVE UNITED AS THE "CENTRAL UNITED MOVEMENT" IN THE TOWERING FORTRESS OF NEO-CAPETOWN. THE NEXT GENERATION OF COMMANDERS AND SOLDIERS ARE TRAINED HERE FOR THE "LIFELONG WAR." THEY WILL BE INDOCTRINATED, TRAINED, AND TURNED INTO THE LAST LINE OF DEFENSE AGAINST THE ALIEN MENACE\n\n[[YOU ARE RICARDO SANTIAGO AND THIS IS YOUR FIRST DAY OF CUM HIGH]]\n
ASA IS KIDNAPPED BUT THEN YOU FIGHT SKREES AND SHE SHOWS UP IN THE SECOND GAME IT'S SICK AS HELL BUT I GUESS SHE'S THE ONLY WOMAN LEFT IN THE UNIVERST THAT WASNT ERIN OR YOUR MOM\n\nWHICH, I MEAN, THE ONLY WOMEN IN YOUR LIFE BEING YOUR WIFE YOUR HIGH SCHOOL CRUSH AND YOUR MOM IS KINDA POETIC I GUESS \n\nANYWAYS YOU GO ON FIGHTING THE SKREELAKS, KILL EM OFF, YOU DECIDE TO SPARE THE SKREELAK KING AND THEN WHEN YOU TURN AROUND HE PULLS A HUGE ASS KNIFE BUT LUCKILY ASA WAS THERE TO SHOOT HIM IN THE FACE WITH A ROCKET\n\nANYWAYS YOU MOVE TO THE NEO-SUBURBS AND HAVE TWO KIDS AND EVENTUALLY DIVORCE AFTER 20 YEARS BUT REMAIN GOOD FRIENDS \n\n[[THE END]]
SO IT COMES TIME FOR GRADUATION AND OH GUESS WHAT HAPPENS MORE FUCKING LAKS GONNA UP AND FUCK UP CUM HIGH WELL I GUESS ITS TIME TO GO AND FIX THAT WITH A SHOTGUN BUT IF COMMANDER SARGENT HOUSTON TAUGHT ME EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS HAVE SOMEONE ON YOUR SIX <html><i>FOR LIFE</i></html> WHICH WAS A WEIRD THING TO SAY IN ADVANCED CULTURAL STUDIES BUT HERE WE ARE \n\nANYWAYS I BETTER CHOOSE \n\n[[ERIN]]\n \n[[ASA]]\n\n[[BARRY]]\n
zack c.
SO THERE I WAS WITH ASA (HER NAME ENDED UP BEING ASA) WHO I TOOK TO THE LAST REMAINING RIVER THAT HAD NOT TURNED INTO THAT MOST VILE OF APPLE SODAS \n\nAND WE SKIPPED ROCKS FOR A WHILE AND THEN SHE WAS ALL LIKE I WAS THE ONLY WOMAN IN MY FAMILY AND I GOTTA PROVE MYSELF BY BEING TOUGH AND SHIT AND I WAS LIKE ALRIGHT I MEAN THIS IS A FIRST DATE SEEMS A LITTLE HEAVY TO LAY IT ON NOW BUT I APPRECIATE YOU CONFIDING IN ME AND SHE THANKED ME AND HUGGED MY ARM DESPITE THE LAST PHYSICAL CONTACT SHE HAD HAD GIVEN ME [[A COMPOUND HERNIA]]\n\nBUT THEN A BUNCH OF FUCKING SKREE GIGBLODERS AND LG-23321'S STARTED COMING OVER THAT DAMN RIVER SO WE HAD TO FORTIFY A BRIDGE WITH A BUNCH OF DEPLOYABLE TURRETS AND MAKE SURE THEY DIDN'T GET A GOOD 50-60 WHACKS AT THE GENERATOR BEHIND US \n\nANYWAYS I TOOK HER HOME TOO AND LATER GOT A TEXT THAT NIGHT SAYING SHE REALLY HAD A LOT OF FUN AND DIDNT MEAN TO SCARE ME AND I APPRECIATED THAT BUT REALLY THE THING THAT SCARED ME WAS HER TEARING A GIGBLODERS INTESTINE OUT \n\n[[I MEAN GOD DAMN]]\n\n
CUM HIGH
COMMANDER HOUSTON WAS A 30 YEAR CUM VET WHO HAD LOST ALL HIS ARMS AND LEGS IN THE BATTLE OF HALF OF DES MOINES. HE HATED THE SKREELAKS MORE THEN ANYTHING ELSE, INCLUDING THE BASTARDS WHO HAD KEPT HIM ALIVE IWTH HIS COOL NEW ROBOT BODY\n\nHE WAS ALSO ONE OF LIKE, THE 12 BLACK PEOPLE LEFT IN CAPE TOWN FOR SOME REASON \n\n[[BACK|THEN WE GOT TO CLASS]]
YEAH IT WAS HANGING OUT AND EVERYTHING BUT THEN THE SCHOOL NURSE STOOD NEXT TO ME WITH A GUN WITH A RED VIAL ON TOP OF IT FOR A WHILE AND I GOTTA SAY I WAS FEELING A LOOOOOOOT BETTER \n\n[[BACK|A WEEK LATER, WITH A LOSER LIKE ME]]