La Scoreggia Discreto is reknowned the world over for its delicious cuisine and pungent cheeses. What it's less reknowned for is the strict dresscode - you are thrown out right onto your tender butt.\n\nReturn [[NORTH|Eastside]].

WHAT KIND OF GARBAGE SKELETON DO YOU TAKE ME FOR?\n\nKind of a hair-trigger temper there. You get a sword right through the squishies.\n\nYOU DEAD AS HECK.\n\n[[New game?|Beginning]]

The dragon lets you fling colorful bursts of arcane energies at him until he gets bored. Then you get ate.\n\n[[>New game?|Beginning]]

The ogre sighs and takes a desultory swig from his drink. This guy looks like he could use some cheering up!\n\n[["Say, what's a big strong ogre like you doing in a dive like this?"|ouch]]

"Ah! Our young bard has returned!" Oh no. You've walked in on Father Flensing about to lead the choir in practice. How is that dude still alive?\n\n"Perhaps you would favor our flock with your melodies?"\n\nSinging hymns about brotherly love and hygenic living? Not for a rough and tumble, roguish rapscallion! You make some excuse about having the jaundice and bail the [[heck out of there|TEMPLE]].

These tunnels were hewn from the living rock by long dead hands. Clawmarks from something gigantic gouge the floors and walls. You spark up a torch and gird yourself to [[descend|hall]].\n

HIRAM used to be the best metal sculptor in the province, but wihout the yoppies he's been reduced to doing mundane blacksmith work for a living. You find him hunched over his anvil sighing into a cocktail.\n\nYou ask about getting some wicked poniard for heavy-duty stabbing work. Hiram looks on the edge of uncontrollable sobbing. You awkwardly segue by saying you're really more interested in a sculpture that captures the <i>ideal</i> of a poniard, yeah.\n\nHe's so happy it's embarrassing. Thankfully he needs some alone time to plan this new masterpiece, so you [[hustle out|Westside]].

An unnaturally undead SKELETON rises from the tomb! Its jaws clatter menacingly as it prances out of its slumber! It brandishes a rusty old sword and shimmies to-and-fro!\n\nRun! [[RUN|GRAVEYARD]]!\nUse your [[musical mojo|Gothic Dance]]!\nBust it up with a [[magic missile|mmskeleton]]!\nFlex your [[muscles|skeletonflex]] at it!

Maybe if you make yourself look bigger you can scare it away! You begin to flex every muscle you can think of - bulging biceps, delts, quads! Suddenly the skeleton drops its sword and begins weeping dusty tears.\n\nYeah, just go and taunt a skeleton with the one thing it doesn't have! You jerk.\n\nDo you [[leave|GRAVEYARD]]\nor try to [[apologize]]?

"Tryina drink in peace, ya scum!"\n\nThe ogre twists your head off like a bottlecap. Your fate is to have daquiris drunk out of you.\n\n[[>New game?|Beginning]]

DUNGEONS AND DATES III:\na BARD's QUEST\n\n(c) SKULLSOFT 198X\n\n[[BEGIN THY JOURNEY|Beginning]]

The mimic explains that he's really not into the whole dating scene. He's really only into hanging out in this particular dungeon room, see?\n\nBut he's totally down for a casual night of fun.\n\nAw yeah, let's [[bang the mimic]].\nI'm only into a long term relationship with a monster. Go [[WEST|hall2]].

The skeleton accepts your heartfelt apology. It shouldn't have been trying to kill you anyways - not very hospitable. It wants to have a fresh start - say, over drinks?\n\nSure! How about...\n[[A seedy tavern?|notavern]] \n[[That fancy place in eastside?|yescocktail]]

Together you prance up to the Church of Blandiock to get married. As soon as you step inside, the god curses you for desecrating his sanctuary with the presence of the undead!\n\nA bolt of divine lightning hits you and blasts away all your fleshy bits. You blink non-existant eyelids and realize:\n\nYOU ARE A SKELETON!\n\nYou gaze lovingly into your partner's eye sockets. Without need of any flesh-being's wedding ceremony you two retire to honeymoon in your crypt. Your days will be spent together, tormenting hapless adventurers and having spooky jam sessions. The other skeleton knows a ghoul who's wicked on the harpsichord - maybe you could start a band!\n\nYou unlive happily ever after.\n\nTHE END.

The smell of sulphur fills your nostrils as you approach this passage. A long hallway terminates in a huge bronze door that is warm to the touch, and a hefty lock keeps it shut fast.\n\nReturn [[NORTH|hall2]] \n<<if $key eq "yes">>\nOpen the [[lock|LAIR]].<<endif>>

You flail and thrash and try to swim your way out of the gelatinous cube, but it just bubbles and shifts to keep you in place. It's a wily one!\n\n[[Whip up some magic fire and burn your way out!|fire]]\n[[Hum a little tune!|Hum]]

MYSTERIQUE .04 is covered in magical pink neon lights, inside and out. The live band is a gently yodeling dwarf and an elf with a variety of windchimes and no variety of rhythm.\n\nYou pick up a menu, for some reason intent on staying and having a drink (you suspect there may be a drink minimum curse on the place). There are no prices on the menu and only descriptions of the items. You settle on "vortices of bubbles, a melody fizzfully in ecru" as possibly beer and order one.\n\nYou receive a teacup of lager and a bill for many gold pieces. You deftly put the bill and beer on someone else's table and flee out the fire escape.\n\nReturn [[WEST|Eastside]].

The Graveyard is a meticulously well gardened place. All except the CREEPY CRYPT to the [[EAST|Crypt]].

You hum a little ditty to bide the time while you're suffocated and then digested. The cube might not have a central nervous system but it sure hates those vibrations! You are unceremoniously spat out the other end.\n\nContinue [[EAST|E2]].

You descend into the catacombs. Bones are strewn around, skulls and pelvises just tossed willy nilly about. A massive marble coffin looms at the end of the passage.\n\nSlowly, the lid of the coffin begins to rise...\n\nStay and face the [[HORROR]]!\n\nZoinks! Get me [[outta here|GRAVEYARD]]!

The skeleton is happy to see you! You two get chatty on spumante and talk about the newest Inconsiderate Dead album for a while. You bust out your bardic skills and you two have an improv jam session.\n\nJust when you're hoping things might go further, the skeleton needs to brush its teeth and get back to its eternal slumber. But you should feel free to stop in any time!\n\nWhat's the deal? It does keep staring at your well-sculpted physique...\n<<if thighs eq "yes">>\nOffer the skeleton the [[silver thighs]].\n<<else>>\nBack to the [[graveyard|GRAVEYARD]].<<endif>>

All your spells require somatic and verbal components. You're no wizard with metamagic bonus feats!\n\n[[Bust out with your mighty limbs!|limbs]]\n[[Hum a little tune!|Hum]]

You pop the lid and find a big bronze key! Sweet.\n<<set $key = "yes">>\nReturn [[WEST|back]]

The gate to this crumbling old crypt is unlocked!<<if $skeleton_date eq "yes">> Do you want to [[stop in and say hi|crypt2]]? <<else>> Jinkies!\n\nDare ye to [[ENTER|Crypt Interior]]?\n\nor [[flee like an especially cowardly baby|GRAVEYARD]]? <<endif>>

DUNGEONS & DATES

This passage seems to go on forever, until you're suddenly stuck in mid-stride and unable to breathe. You just walked right into a gelatinous cube like a total rube! How are you gonna get out of this one?\n\n[[Bust out with your mighty limbs!|limbs]]\n[[Whip up some magic fire and burn your way out!|fire]]\n[[Hum a little tune!|Hum]]

Back in your day this was the gentrified part of town, full of yoppies (young orcish professionals). They must have moved to somewhere hip like Brumbleburg when the yeppies moved in. Now its once-expensive condos are covered in graffiti (mostly of dicks).\n\nTo the NORTH is [[HIRAM's BLACKSMITHY]].\nTo the SOUTH is [[A RUNDOWN TAVERN|Tavern]].\nTo the WEST is [[AN OBVIOUSLY LEGITIMATE BUSINESS ESTABLISHMENT|Guild]].

The First Ecumenical Reformed Church of Blandiock sits before you, its architecture as dull and inoffensive as its theology.\n\nIts [[DOORS|Temple Interior]] are open to any parishoners.\n\nThe [[GRAVEYARD]] is a great place for a stroll if you're some moody goth kid.

You wipe gelatinous goo from your face and continue down the passage. It doused your torch, but luckily there's some kind of eerie glow up ahead...\n\nYou enter a room covered in luminescent mushrooms. You pluck a few to serve as an unextinguishable torch for when you return through the cube. As your eyes adjust to the dim greenish light you notice a fungus-covered treasure chest in one corner.\n<<set $mushroom = "yes">>\nOpen the [[chest]].

The skeleton is overjoyed! All its ever wanted was some rockin' thighs! It starts doing squats and rejoicing over its new silver quadriceps.\n\nIn that moment, you and the skeleton realize you are destined for one another. Shyly it asks you - would you marry this dusty old pile of bones?\n\n[[It's fate: hell yeah.|yes]]

This nondescript building has a discreet sign stating "SNIVELY & SONS WHOLLY LEGAL DEALINGS". It's so clearly a normal business establishment that you see no reason to enter.\n\nReturn [[EAST|Westside]].

Bards don't even get that spell! You shoot some multicolored sparkles into its eye sockets to dazzle it. In return it stabs your head off.\n\nYOU'RE WAY PAST DEAD DUDE!\n[[>New game?|Beginning]]

Thinking fast you pop some of the glowing mushrooms into the mimic's mouth. Its lid-jaws clamp shut and chew noisily, then it sighs happily. You've satisfied its hunger and now it poses no threat!\n<<set $mimic = "yes">>\nReturn [[WEST|hall2]].\n[[Date the mimic|datemimic]]!

Oh yes, this is more like it. The PILLORIED PUNK is a low-down dirty establishment for trashy hooligans like you. Years' worth of peanut shells crunch beneath your feet as you enter.\n\nThe BARTENDER is a scowling dwarf with two glass eyes.\n\nThe only other patron is an OGRE drinking something colorful out of a severed head with a little umbrella in it.\n\nOrder a [[drink]].\nChat up the [[ogre]].

These were the streets you grew up on, but it's hard to recognize them now. The abandoned buildings you once frolicked in are now overpriced apartments full of yeppies (young elven professionals) and the dive bars your parents conceived you in are now antique boutiques.\n\nTo the EAST is a [[COCKTAIL LOUNGE]].\nTo the SOUTH is a [[BISTRO]].

The bartender slams a grimy mug on the bar before you, uncorks a bottle of Krurk Black Ribbon with his teeth, and proceeds to pour it right into your lap.\n\nYou wring it out of your clothes back into the glass. The KBR is actually improved by the process.\n\n[[Mmm, laundry beer.|Tavern]]

You trek back through the hall humming as you go. Going through the cube is just as gross as before, but harmless.\n\n[[Exit the passage|hall2]].

<<set $skeleton_date = "yes">>\nThat's a splendid idea! You and your new skeleton pal head out for Mysterique .04.\n\nIt's awkward at first, but after a few drinks your tongues (or lack thereof) begin to loosen. The skeleton has an immense capacity for prosecco. Somehow.\n\nThe lounge's awful live music gets you two to chatting about dwarven avant-garde music, and discover you were both at the same axecore concert five years ago!\n\nThe skeleton grabs a couple spoons and shows you how it can use its whole body as an instrument. You laugh and join in with some beatboxing. The irate manager demands you leave, having disrupted his establishment's vibe.\n\nYou laugh at the stuck up fuddy duddy and make merry grave-grooves all the way back to the crypt. Before it returns to its tomb the skeleton plants a dry toothy kiss on your cheek, then shyly scampers back down.\n\nYou wonder if this may be the start of something more!\n\n[[FIRST SKELETON DATE COMPLETED. +500 EXP.|GRAVEYARD]]

"Oooh, this is my <i>jam</i>!" The dragon starts swaying his head and pumping his puny arms as you bust out some sweet beats. Then he clonks his head on the cavern wall and collapses. \n\nYou've only got a few seconds before it comes up swinging. Thinking fast you grab the nearest shiny thing and book it outta that dungeon!\n\n[[Flee with your loot!|thighs]]

The mimic wraps its long tongue around your torso and pulls you into its maw! Suckered like a level one barbarian.\n\n[[>New game?|Beginning]]

The dragon casually torches you as you turn tail to flee. You're a crispy kebab now.\n\n[[>New game?|Beginning]]

"Gothic dance! Gothic dance! Everybody gothic dance!"\n\nOh no, what were you thinking? The darkwave beat only emboldens the skeleton! It begins a menacing jig that strikes terror into your heart! Your heart tries to flee your ribcage, with disastrous results.\n\n<b>YOU'RE ALL KINDS OF DEAD.</b>\n\n[[>New Game?|Beginning]]

You scrabble back up the passage and keep running until you're back at the Sweetbrick gate. Nice adventuring there, real slick.\n\nGo [[NORTH|Square]] to town.

You descend the twisty passage into the dank depths. The tunnel becomes slick with moisture and you become slick with perspiration. This is a remarkably warm and humid cavern. Finally the passage levels out and opens up into a large chamber.\n\nThere are three shadowy passages:\n[[SOUTH]]\n[[EAST]]\n[[WEST]]\n\nYou can always [[flee]] as well.

You are in the central plaza of Sweetbrick. There is a large fountain kept full by a statue of the mayor jovially pissing. You try really hard not to look at it.\n\nTo the NORTH there is a [[TEMPLE]].\nTo the WEST is [[A BAD PART OF TOWN|Westside]]\nTo the EAST is [[A GENTRIFIED PART OF TOWN|Eastside]]\nTo the SOUTH is [[THE WILDERNESS]]

Hot air blows your hair and clothes dramatically as you step into a huge cavern. The first thing you notice is the hill of gold and gems that glitter oh-so-invitingly. The second thing you notice is the enormous red dragon that's sitting atop it and blowing all that hot air.\n\nHe smiles a toothy grin. "Well, what a tasty little morsel we have here!"\n\nOh snap! [[RUN!|Runrun]]\nSlay the beast! [[MUSCLE POWER!|musclesdogg]]\nBehold my arcane might! [[SHAZAM!|shazam]]\nMusic shall soothe the savage beast! [[ROCK OUT!|MUSIC]]

You are a nearly worthless BARD. You've been kicked out of every adventurer's guild from here to the Unpleasant Coast. Your jerk-of-all-trades style makes you a misfit in any party, so you might as well set out on your own!\n\nYou are modestly MAGICAL, moderately MUSCLED, but mostly MUSICAL.\n\nYou have returned to your home town of Sweetbrick, at the edge of civilization. Except everyone here insists on calling it the Free City of Sweetbrick even though it's only got one stupid temple and is part of the Queendom of Spadulem. They're like that here. It's kind of why you left.\n\n[[You stand in the town square...|Square]].

You cleave at the beast's belly, your mighty thews straining and veins bulging! The dragon just snickers and then pops you into his gullet.\n\n[[>New game?|Beginning]]

You exit through the southern gate of Sweetbrick and set out into the wilderness beyond! As a seasoned adventurer you eschew such petty aids as a map or camping gear. All you need to know is a cardinal direction and a landmark:\n\nThe high peak of Mt. Murderdeath rises to the [[SOUTH|Mt. Murderdeath]].

What's sex with a shapeshifter like? However you want it!\n\nYOU BONED THE MIMIC! +100 EXP.\n\nReturn [[EAST|hall2]].

You eagerly pop the lid and find yourself staring into a pair of toothy jaws and a moist tongue!<<if $mushroom eq "yes">>\n\nToss a [[mushroom]] in!<<else>>\n[[Yikes.]]

You only stop running once you're clear of the dungeon and all the way back to the Sweetbrick gate. Huffing and puffing, you look upon your prize...\n\nA fine silver set of prosthetic thigh-muscles. What the heck?\n<<set thighs = "yes">>\n\nBack to [[town|Square]].

<<if $mimic eq "yes">>The mimic recognizes your scent now and gives you a big toothy smile and friendly lick. You spend some time getting reacquainted with that big old tongue.\n\nReturn [[EAST|hall2]]\n<<else>>This passage opens up into a small room containing nothing but a fine fat chest, surely bulging with loot! Score!\n\n[[Open that sucker up!|mimic]]\nReturn [[EAST|hall2]] <<endif>>

monty

You are in the central chamber of the dungeon.\n\nThere are three shadowy passages:\n[[SOUTH]]\n[[EAST]]\n[[WEST]]\n\nYou can always [[flee]] as well.

Mt. Murderdeath rises high into the clouds above you. Carved into its side is a huge archway decorated with skulls and ancient runes. They're probably some dire warning or whatever, but you can't read them.\n\nReturn [[NORTH|THE WILDERNESS]]\nEnter the [[Dungeon]]